rate-a-bar ................. from P

In the northeast they were Pubs. Down here, they are "places" or Saloons, or just bars. No pubs. That moniker would ascribe a much too traditional predisposition to your experience. Almost all the "places" down here are locally owned and run by the same nice, rebellious souls who call the Keys home. Their establishments are imbued with their own distinct personalities - that is, if it's a good place. There are a lot of bad places down here too, the ones with contrived atmospheres. The good places tend to be gathering spots for locals, and are often as unkempt as their patrons. But you cannot generalize. We have been in a few nice, bright, well run places where conversation is lively and the fish is right-off-the-boat fresh. We have also been in the well worn, plank floored, dark bar with outstanding food and friendly atmosphere. You just never know. So, in case you are planning a trip down the Keys, particularly Key West, I am here to lend a hand. Here is a short list of places to be, and places to flee:

Don't go there:

Hard Rock Cafe, KW. Don't worry, I didn't actually go there myself. I just thought I would start with an easy one.

Hog's Breath Saloon, KW. Big disapointment. Full of cruise ship milktoast carrying their new $25 Hog's Breath T-shirts in their Hog's Breath shopping bags. Subtract big points for having an entire Hog's Breath gift shop attached. $3.50 for a Miller Lite? Still in the can? Puleeze.

Jack Flats. Started out promising, but the Grouper was old and fried hard. Cool photos on the wall, but nothing tastes good.

Sloppy Joe's Saloon. Great history, but now it's all about selling nachos and T-shirts to tourists. You do have to go there once just because it's Sloppy Joe's.

Don't miss:

The Fish Market restaurant, Key Largo. Fresh Dolphin or Yellowtail Snapper sandwich. Go ahead and get a cup of the conch chowder too. The water tastes funny so drink beer.

Burdine's Chicitiki Bar, Marathon. Tie up to the dock, or dinghy in. You may even be able to get there by car. Not sure. Word is that Jimmy B still drops in every now and then. Great little resaurant on the second floor above the marina. The sign on the railing says "no smoking, fuel dock below." Incredible view of Marathon harbor and the mangroves. Get the fresh fish reuben with the home made fries. Wow!

Dockside at Sombrero Marina, Marathon. Happy hour daily from noon 'til six, therefore constantly full of sailboaters. The dock is crammed with dinghies from the harbor. What's not to like?

Lorelei, Islamorada. Fresh blackened fish sandwiches, live island music, and one of the few nice sandy beaches in the Keys.

No Name Pub, Big Pine Key. OK, this one is a pub. Get the smoked fish dip. And a pizza. Seriously. Then staple your dollar to the ceiling and stop trying to guess how much money is stapled to everything, everywhere.

Paradise Cafe, Key West. Other than the one I had at Little Palm Island Resort, this place has the best Cuban sandwich around. Charming. We had breakfast there while watching Obama's inauguration on the wall TV. Meet a local.

Pepe's, KW. Everything tastes good, it's not on Duval Street, and the history is rich. Say hi to the ghost of Hemingway. It takes a while to find the restroom so plan ahead!

Captain Tony's. If you read about old KW, this is the closest you will come to feeling part of it. This place has a soul. And a huge tree growing through the ceiling.

Green Parrot, KW. Rockin' blues bar with a sticky floor. Always full of sunwrinkled, bearded, smiling locals. The popcorn machine looks so oddly out of place it's cool. This is the place to dance in your flipflops.

Kelly's, KW. Be there at 4:00 sharp or you may not get a seat. The best margarita happy hour in the Keys. Gotta get the sweet chili flavored wings. Originally the first headquarters for PanAm air.

Half Shell, KW. On the water near the charter fleet. Super fresh fish sandwiches. Get the Grouper, or the Yellowtail. Or the oyster sandwich. Or....

OK you don't always have to get a fish sandwich everywhere. But I will. Grilled or lightly blackened. If you have to pay more than $2.00 for a beer, keep walking. So when are you comin' down?